my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
