dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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