I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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