So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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