so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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