direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
