Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
