my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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