she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
