My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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