They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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