I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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