Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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