I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
