so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
