Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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