Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
