Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
