There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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