When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
