I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
