I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
