everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You left your phone here
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