Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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