I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
