I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
