i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Never joke about your clitoris.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
