I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
