how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
