I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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