Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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