respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
They have beer where we have blood.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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