You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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