Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
