you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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