I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We had to coat check the pizza.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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