I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We were destined to go to rehab together
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
