if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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