I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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