so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
