So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude. I can hear the air.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
