This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
