Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
