I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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