i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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