you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
