I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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