Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish you could order shots online.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
