No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
