My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
