I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I want a musical about memes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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