i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
