Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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