They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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