Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
